


An Inclusive Lord of The Rings

by CogitoBUTnotSUM



Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Bad Poetry, But sex is the reason behind everything, Crack, F/F, Hinted Gandalf/Frodo, Hinted Gandalf/Saruman, M/M, Master Elrond, No Porn, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Poetry, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:40:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 1,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26567473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CogitoBUTnotSUM/pseuds/CogitoBUTnotSUM
Summary: This is the story of Frodo and his boyfriend Sam,lovely hobbits that would never skip a second breakfastwith plenty of eggs, cheese, mushrooms and ham.They went on an adventure towards Mount Doom,tricked by their sly friend Gandalf The Black,who forgot to tell, it would be a journey through gloom...For those who like laughs and a pinch of frisky action, may this fanfic provide good distraction.
Relationships: Aragorn | Estel/Arwen Undómiel, Frodo Baggins/Sam Gamgee
Kudos: 6





	1. The beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I read that the Academy would soon have new, more inclusive rules for the "best picture” category, I wondered: how would an inclusive LOTR be? This story was the answer....
> 
> It'is really funny to write and I hope it's also funny to read. But if you feel it's only half the fun of what you deserve, it's OK to like it less than half of how much I like it.  
> (Bilbo docet)
> 
> Ah last but not least, English is not my first language so forgive my mistakes...

This is the story of Frodo and his boyfriend Sam,  
lovely hobbits that would never skip a second breakfast  
with plenty of eggs, cheese, mushrooms and ham.

They went on an adventure towards Mount Doom,  
tricked by their sly friend Gandalf the Black,  
who forgot to tell, it would be a journey through gloom...

Little did they know he was a lousy wizard,  
unable to stop the fiercest blizzard.

Now, everybody knows  
"lovers and vacation"  
often leads to frustration.

So Frodo invited Merry and Pippin,  
a duo of stoners with no boners,  
brave hobbits that would perfectly fit in  
with a trip where one cannot simply sit in.

But after a quick meet&greet with Dark Riders,  
they realized they not ready to deal with outsiders!  
Because playing hide and seek in a corn field  
does not teach you how to wield a sword nor a shield...

Nevertheless, the scary bump on the road  
did not make their little team implode.

Once they reached the village of Bree,  
the lads agreed for an overnight stay,  
to wait for the wizard clad in grey.

Our little hobbits were really hopeful  
that Gandalf would finally be helpful.  
And for a moment they forgot their goal,  
losing all the inhibitions in their soul!

Songs and drinks, cheerful and carefree,  
the ranger in the corner they did not see..

Fortunately for them, he was a friend  
ready to give them more than a hand.

Which of course the Halflings needed!  
Dark Riders still on their track,  
ready to launch another attack!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The road towards the Oscars, so far:  
> LGBT (gay Frodo, Sam)  
> POC (Black Istari)  
> Stoners (because drug addicts are also worth it).
> 
> Any type of feedback, positive/negative/neutral, is welcome.


	2. How it actually started_part I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now I know what it means when a story takes over and the author has no more control.

Now, it’s time to ask the question,  
what was the Riders real intention?  
They had one important mission,  
steal the ring from the competition!

Wait, wait, wait.  
Ring? What Ring?

OK.   
For Melkor’s sake   
let’s take a break!

What has a ring to do with this story?  
All started with Frodo's morning glory,  
but Sam was unwilling to cooperate,  
fed up with morning duties to tolerate!  
Unless there was some big change,  
like a summer wedding to arrange…

  
"I don't cook, I don't clean,  
but I want the damn ring!"

Luckily for Frodo, inheritance was on the way!  
Uncle Bilbo ready to hand him his land,  
his cave and his precious golden band!

The young hobbit accepted the donation,  
perfect help to solve his messy situation.

Bag End was already the couple’s domain,  
but something would soon bring them pain.

Because of the power of the golden ring,  
Frodo would be unable to harden  
what made Sam worship him like a king!

Hahahahahahahahahahaha  
Did somebody ever heard  
a funny story this absurd?

Yep yep yep! You understood correctly!  
Because of an evil ring affecting sexuality,  
erasing in the bearer any sign of vitality,  
the hobbits were doomed to a sad reality.

_One ring to rule them all,_  
_one ring to find them,_  
_One ring to cage them all_  
_and of lust strip them._

Forged by Sauron the Ace,  
ready to conquer every race.  
Why fight and exterminate   
when you can just turn off  
their will to procreate?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The road toward the Oscars, so far:  
> LGBT (gay Frodo, Sam)  
> POC (Black Istari)  
> Stoners (because drug addicts are also worth it)  
> Asexuals (surpriseeeee)
> 
> ps. Easter egg: WAP WAP WAP


	3. How it actually started_part II

The True Evil had this wicked plan,  
if there is no fucking there is no man!

But any race needs copulation  
to maintain their population.  
And let’s not forget the pleasure,  
that even immortal Elves treasure. 

So this was the truth the hobbits were not aware,  
too busy with Bilbo and a relationship to repair.

In fact, Frodo hid the ring waiting for the right time,  
planning to propose while drinking tequila and lime.  
But when the morning glory was suddenly lost,  
Sam was ready to solve the problem at any cost!

That’s precisely when Gandalf appeared   
black skin, grey cape, fluffy long beard.

Once the reason behind their pain was clear,   
he decided to finally reveal his real career:   
ultimate defender of the right to fornicate,  
the best way to spread love instead of hate.

“To protect Middle Earth  
from disaster  
the ring shall never return  
to his Master”

But Gandalf did not share more,   
just pushed them out the door!

“The Prancing Pony,   
I’ll meet you there,  
I’ll bring good news,   
so don’t despair!”

Fortunately, Frodo&Sam were the best!  
They immediately got ready for the quest  
knowing their love could pass any test. 

  
Because in the end,  
The inclusive Lord of the Rings is about reclaiming lust,  
a goal any couple can achieve if there is still trust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spouse comment when I read this chapter: is this your way of saying we don't fuck enough?
> 
> ......... =.=.........


	4. Bye bye Bree

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, forgive my mistakes and if something sounds wrong (English is not my first language) please point it out....  
> Thank you!

Now that the past chapters shed more light  
on why the couple’s life changed overnight,  
let’s return to the hobbits and their knight!

In the village of Bree  
nobody knew his name,  
they called him Strider  
and he had quite a fame…

His main addiction was swinging,  
but that’s not really relevant  
to the tale we singing!

He was a good friend of Gandalf and the elves,  
and knew the hobbits could not protect themselves.  
Once again, the Dark Riders were on their way,  
eager to spill fresh blood before the end of the day.

The halflings were careful and did fly low  
so how did those evil minions know  
where they would always go?

To love, not just lust, the ring reacted!  
That was what the Riders attracted...  
And Frodo's heart was full of Sam,  
fuck Sauron, the ring be damn!

Fortunately Strider helped them evade  
the Dark Lord's henchmen latest raid.  
But now the hobbits were really afraid,  
what else could jump out of the shade?

Therefore, they quickly accepted  
the suggestion to travel to Rivendell,  
not being eager nor ready to bid farewell,  
to the ranger who made them feel protected.

And Strider could foresee.  
how sheltered they all would be,  
in the home of Elrond, Half-Elf king,  
gatherer of randy folks under his wing.

So they left the village of Bree,  
forgetting that Gandalf they did not see...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The road toward the Oscars, so far:  
> LGBT (gay Frodo, Sam)  
> POC (Black Istari)  
> Stoners (because drug addicts are also worth it)  
> Asexuals (Surpriseeeee)  
> Swingers (Monogamy is overrated and majority of species understood that...)
> 
> Next chapter: what happened to Gandalf?....


	5. What happened to Gandalf?...

Knowing that chaos would soon explode,  
To Isengard Gandalf The Black briskly rode!  
This was domain of a friend of times past,  
always welcoming no matter their contrast.

Nothing but white he would wear,  
black face adorned by white hair,  
Saruman The White he was called,  
Gandalf forever by him enthralled.

Distant they became while learning of  
unspeakable crafts,  
Gandalf pissed they did not wank together  
their superb shafts.

Unrequited love was always cruel,  
but feisty orgies could often fuel  
forgetfulness in the sad hearts,  
satisfaction in lower parts..

Which is why poor Gandalf was  
unwilling to have any conversation.  
But he could not avoid it because  
he feared the upcoming situation.

All this time the dreadful ring of purity  
was under his nose,  
his mind too busy with love for hobbits  
without clothes...

" You Gandalf, my old friend,  
have found too much relief,  
in the love for the halfling's leaf!

  
What pain did you have to erase  
to forget your role in this place?"

"Who cares, we have to fight!"  
Gandalf screamed to the White!

"It's too late my old mate,  
He already controls our fate"

Gandalf saw it and finally understood  
why his loved friend never gave in  
to his glorious morning wood.

"I finally see the truth, my old mate,  
You are nothing but a prude straight,  
You do not see pleasure in copulation,  
for you nothing but an act for procreation.

To The Only Master of the ring  
you dared to Submit!  
When did Saruman the White  
became such a twit?"

The inevitable confrontation begun,  
however Gandalf was quickly outrun.

So he found himself prisoner of the traitor,  
but instantly planned an escape for later.

Luckily for any race of Middle Earth,  
To him love with no lust was not worth!  
He did not drop his duties nor his mission!  
but instead fled without asking permission...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The road toward the Oscars, so far:  
> LGBT (gay Frodo, Sam, Gandalf)  
> POC (Black Istari)  
> Stoners (because drug addicts are also worth it)  
> Asexuals (Surpriseeeee)  
> Swingers (Monogamy is overrated and majority of species understood that...)
> 
> Did anybody doubt Gandalf would be LGBT? @^.^@ 
> 
> next chapter: Back to hobbits!


	6. Back to the hobbits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My goal is to update the fic at least twice a month, but winter is coming and my brain is preparing for hibernation. I'll do my best.

The strange group drifted far from the road,  
four halflings and one Man in fight mode,  
the color of autumn paving their way,  
nowhere really safe for them to stay.

And soon disaster was invited,  
as gluttony got them excited!  
It was not lust nor greed,  
but bellies to feed...

While resting on Weathertop,  
a bare hill,  
the hobbits agreed it was  
time to grill!!!

And that was a foolish decision,  
in a moment without supervision...

Strider was nowhere in sight,  
but the Ringwraiths were near,  
ready for another bloody fight!

The hobbits were attacked again  
by these corrupted souls of lost men!  
Though Frodo was immediately protected  
by his pals that would have never defected!

But then Sam stood in front of him  
and Frodo never felt more grim...

Fortunately love made him brave!  
He pushed his sweet Sammy away,  
sparing him the attack of the blade!

Instead, the wicked dagger stabbed his shoulder,  
but he did not regret being so much bolder!

Still! Painful screams tore the night,  
as Strider appeared and joined the fight!  
Flames and blades made the Riders run away,  
while Frodo, bleeding and hurt, was turning grey.

Then she appeared.

Arwen Undomiel was her name,  
the elf keeping Striders heart aflame.

Glowing like the first morning star,  
high in the dark sky yet never too far,  
brownish visage framed by flowing locks,  
ready to smash enemy heads on the rocks!

Her unexpected arrival restored hope,  
but Strider had to remind himself  
that was not the time to grope  
the curves of the she-elf.

OK.  
I know.  
Let's discard the prudeness  
and accept lewd facts in their fullness!

A young Strider imprinted on Arwen like a duck,  
impatient to grow up and finally kiss and fuck!  
In his heart she was the greatest obsession,  
then she taught him a sweet transgression,  
the limits of monogamy and of possession.

Which is how the adult lad became a swinger  
that would never deny an anonymous flinger.

Now. That being said,  
let's go back to hobbits  
that almost lost their head!

Arwen winked at the group with a teasing smile,  
placed Frodo on her stallion and quickly sped,  
escaping the Dark Riders with graceful style,  
to Rivendell before he would end up dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The road toward the Oscars, so far:  
> LGBT (gay Frodo, Sam, Gandalf)  
> POC (Black Istari, Brown Elves)  
> Stoners (because drug addicts are also worth it)  
> Asexuals (Surpriseeeee)  
> Swingers (Monogamy is overrated and majority of species understood that...)
> 
> As always, forgive my mistakes and any type of feedback, positive/negative/neutral, is welcome.


	7. Rivendell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is writing itself, I have no control, I just follow the rhymes... I did not plan Gandalf&Frodo nor the kinky elves. Nope. This was supposed to be a funny but woke story about inclusion but it ended up being an adults-only parody, that often does not make sense.... I'm sorry...

Frodo woke in a large bed and felt petite,  
with Gandalf there in the nearest seat.  
The Wizard had a dark grin yet sublime,  
looking at him like their first time...

Yep.  
They had story.  
But we will not look up  
into Gandalf and Frodo's past,  
nothing but a pleasurable hook up  
that they knew was not born to last.

"My dear hobbit,  
this is the house of Elrond.  
Today is the 24th of October."  
He said, tone teasing yet sober.

Before Frodo could ask if this was a joke,  
a body jumped him and tremblingly spoke:

"Never again I will talk wedding,  
Your loss is far more dreading!"  
Sam cried, tears swiftly shedding...

Frodo smiles, hugging his lover,  
such a devotion making his heart recover.  
But as he looked up, his attention did hover. 

Standing behind Gandalf was an alluring lord,  
the keeper of Vilya, the mightiest elf ring,  
and even mightier was his hard sword,  
able to make even the dead sing.

Stories tell the poor fools He held hostage  
were eternally pushed to pleasure  
while confined in bondage.

But He was a generous master,  
ready to please allies even faster.  
He did not care about their gender,  
just wanted them to softly surrender.

Frodo felt something in his trousers jerk,  
Elrond ogling the two lovers with a smirk.

"Welcome to Rivendell,  
Frodo Baggins"

He said in a lascivious tone,  
longing for Gandalf to be gone,  
and for the halflings to be all alone...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The road toward the Oscars, so far:  
> LGBT (gay Frodo, Sam, Gandalf, Bisex&Kinky Elrond ^^)  
> POC (Black Istari, Brown Elves)  
> Stoners (because drug addicts are also worth it)  
> Asexuals (Surpriseeeee)  
> Swingers (Monogamy is overrated and majority of species understood that...)
> 
> The question is, did Gandalf also bang Bilbo? I honestly don't know.  
> But I might know what the other two elf-rings do....


End file.
